All my days were written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be.Psalm 139:16b
I’m writing a few posts about becoming a mom. They will be about different aspects of my mommy journey like falling pregnant, my pregnancies, births, etc. I’m writing them more from a journalling perspective but if I can bring hope or encouragement to anyone who may come across them, that would be such a great bonus! This post is about how we came to the decision to try for a baby.
I had always wanted to get married and have children at a young age. Getting married just before I turned 19, we decided it would probably be best for us to wait at least 5 years to have children. However, after 3 years of marriage, Andy started getting broody. He kept on telling me that God was challenging him to trust Him with our family. As much as I wanted to be a mom, every time he mentioned it, I would get so anxious and give him another reason why we should wait a little longer. I had a constant uneasiness knowing that I wasn’t submitting to my husband nor waiting on God for what He had to say on the matter but I kept pushing it aside. Until one night…
On the 10th of October 2015, I was falling asleep and felt the Holy Spirit knocking at the door of my heart. I asked Him what he wanted to say, thinking maybe He had a word for the church or something. Instead, He heavily pressed the words “44 weeks” and “baby” on my heart. I knew what God was saying to me but it took me a day to tell Andrew that I felt that God was telling us that we were going to have a baby within 44 weeks of that day.
Being me, I still wasn’t convinced- I kept saying to Andrew that God doesn’t do stuff like that anymore, but the next day at church, one of the elders brought a word forth out of 2 Kings 4:8-17 in which God uses Elisha to tell a woman that she is going to have a son. He didn’t know who it was for and what the meaning was, but God had told him someone needed to hear it. I knew it was for me- He was just proving to me that He had told me, just as He had told many people in the bible, that I was going to be a mom.
Caleb’s original due date was 44 weeks after I felt God speaking to me. Although he came 8 days earlier (5 August 2016), on the 13th of August 2016 I had my little boy in my arms. God’s word is faithful and it is alive today just as in the days of old.
After having Cale, we went back and forth over how long it would be until we tried to fall pregnant again.
Immediately after my c-section spinal block wore off, I was in so much pain that I told Andrew that we were never going to have another child naturally again; two months into colic and reflux, I told him that if we were going to have another one, we’d need to have one as soon as possible to get the baby stage over and done with; and then, when Caleb’s personality began to develop and we moved closer to toddlerhood, I felt like I’d never be able to love another baby.
It was such a difficult feeling. I knew that Caleb would love having a sibling and I never wanted to have an only child but I couldn’t imagine having to share my mommy-heart with another baby. Andrew was getting broody again and I told him that if we had another one, it would be his baby because Caleb would always be my favourite. Andrew encouraged me to spend time with God and let Him work on my heart. Until I felt differently, having another child was not an option.
A few months before Caleb turned two years old, I felt my heart warming up to the idea of having another child. I had many moms encourage me, letting me know how normal my feelings were and that God would increase my capacity to love. Caleb was also at an age that he could understand more of what was happening. I felt ready. We wanted to start trying but due to Christmas and already having more than 5 family birthdays in February, we decided we would start trying in June 2018 so that we wouldn’t have a November, December, January or February baby. By the time June came around, I was so ready to welcome another baby into our home, I was just still so worried about how it would affect Caleb.
I didn’t have to worry. Just after we started trying, without Caleb knowing anything, He would pray for a baby- specifically a baby brother. I flew with Caleb in the July to the UK to visit my mom, and one morning he was watching Teletubbies- an episode that showed a child with her baby sibling. Caleb looked at me and said ‘I want a baby brother’, I responded to him with ‘then you must ask God for a baby brother or sister’. From then on, he prayed at least twice a day for a baby brother. No matter what I did to encourage him to pray for a baby brother or sister, he insisted on praying for his baby brother. Everyone was right. On the 15th of April 2019, my heart felt like it had doubled in size, and Caleb’s had too, when he met his answered prayer- his brother Nolan.
I have so many friends who decided so easily to fall pregnant- I took a little (actually, a lot) of nudging both times. I’m so thankful that God, and Andy, were so gracious with me through it all. The first time round, I needed a lesson in submitting to my husband. He was hearing from God and I refused to believe it until God dealt with me personally. The second time round, was much scarier. I didn’t have a crazy supernatural, bells-and-whistles moment telling me it was the right time to fall pregnant. Andy and I had to both trust God wholeheartedly and trust that He would know when the time was right.
After both my boys, all I know is this- God truly is sovereign. In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. He knows what is best for us when it is best for us. I’m so thankful for the boys He has written into the book of my life- there’s not a single day that I take my perfect gifts for granted.